The way life bits you in the butt

my story in short :- im a full time carer of my wife that has PTSD (no she not been in the army) bipolar 2, personality disorder, arthritis and epilepsy 2 years ago i was doing my then full time job when i got a call from A&E saying that my wife was there and thats all i was told! at that time i was driving a coach and was just about to leave for home but was 200 miles away so had 5hrs driving a head to get home to her. When i did get back at 1am in the morning having had to drive knowing that the person i love is sat in hospital and nothing else was very worrying when i got there she was with the crises team. some 30 mins later i found out that she had tried to take her life with an O/D of her meds. this was just the Begin of it all that had started the year before with her having night tremors after being taken off some old medication for her epilepsy and given a new one. So after almost a night in A&E she was sent home and they said that the home intervention team will be coming in to see us which later that day they did it was very informal with them just talking i was told then by them i had to give up work or the wife would be taken into care home so i did resign from my job after using sick leave as this was just a week till Christmas and we needed money to live on. so now my life as changed im home 24/7 doing things i would not normally be doing like cleaning the house cooking making sure she is safe and not doing some thing stupid easier said than done and this mania is kicking in with her and she is doing things that she would not normally do like staying up till late or even being up for 3/4 days without any sleep. all this was telling on me . so i then contact my then gp for help as nothing was happening some 2 months on she getting worse im left to sort it with out any instruction book to tell me what i can do. I then start making call to the community mental health teams myself to try get her help still trying to look after her as well when making some 10 15 calls a day we then some months later get to see a CPN hoping this is going to be the start of help how wrong could i be she had the assessment and sent her on her way. after a long fight with Adult services we offered 10 counselling sessions for her so we took this it never help infact it just made it worse for her dragging things from past up by this time im still on my own looking after her with no help from any services as such. then bang the wife got hold of some pills again and we end up in A&E back where we started a year ago this time they took her in for help so we thought. Well all they did was just talk with her no medication to help apart from a setitive when she lost it with a member of staff after a 2 week stay they sent her home to me. so im now getting into the point of breaking when i was told of a physicist to contact at the local hospital so i then self referred the wife and within a few weeks got a reply with our fist visit that was over a year later so just before xmas this year we go along and see the doctor strat away he was on the ball with things braking down things that had gone on with the wife after about 4 months things did start to look good but just a week ago she gone back down hill again. and i have also got a little help of 5 hrs aweek . But now this has had it toll on me with all this fighting to look after her get her help my health as gone down hill just this week i broke down myself wanting fto just run away and end every thing all because us carers dont get the help we need im now on antidepressants myself feeling like ive failed her as till the meds work for me im not much help to her but my GP is trying to get me more help but in not holding out much hope on this this is my life story so far ..... good luck to you all that are just coming in to caring its not a easy ride