The way life bits you in the butt

my story in short :- im a full time carer of my wife that has PTSD (no she not been in the army) bipolar 2, personality disorder, arthritis and epilepsy 2 years ago i was doing my then full time job when i got a call from A&E saying that my wife was there and thats all i was told! at that time i was driving a coach and was just about to leave for home but was 200 miles away so had 5hrs driving a head to get home to her. When i did get back at 1am in the morning having had to drive knowing that the person i love is sat in hospital and nothing else was very worrying when i got there she was with the crises team. some 30 mins later i found out that she had tried to take her life with an O/D of her meds. this was just the Begin of it all that had started the year before with her having night tremors after being taken off some old medication for her epilepsy and given a new one. So after almost a night in A&E she was sent home and they said that the home intervention team will be coming in to see us which later that day they did it was very informal with them just talking i was told then by them i had to give up work or the wife would be taken into care home so i did resign from my job after using sick leave as this was just a week till Christmas and we needed money to live on. so now my life as changed im home 24/7 doing things i would not normally be doing like cleaning the house cooking making sure she is safe and not doing some thing stupid easier said than done and this mania is kicking in with her and she is doing things that she would not normally do like staying up till late or even being up for 3/4 days without any sleep. all this was telling on me . so i then contact my then gp for help as nothing was happening some 2 months on she getting worse im left to sort it with out any instruction book to tell me what i can do. I then start making call to the community mental health teams myself to try get her help still trying to look after her as well when making some 10 15 calls a day we then some months later get to see a CPN hoping this is going to be the start of help how wrong could i be she had the assessment and sent her on her way. after a long fight with Adult services we offered 10 counselling sessions for her so we took this it never help infact it just made it worse for her dragging things from past up by this time im still on my own looking after her with no help from any services as such. then bang the wife got hold of some pills again and we end up in A&E back where we started a year ago this time they took her in for help so we thought. Well all they did was just talk with her no medication to help apart from a setitive when she lost it with a member of staff after a 2 week stay they sent her home to me. so im now getting into the point of breaking when i was told of a physicist to contact at the local hospital so i then self referred the wife and within a few weeks got a reply with our fist visit that was over a year later so just before xmas this year we go along and see the doctor strat away he was on the ball with things braking down things that had gone on with the wife after about 4 months things did start to look good but just a week ago she gone back down hill again. and i have also got a little help of 5 hrs aweek . But now this has had it toll on me with all this fighting to look after her get her help my health as gone down hill just this week i broke down myself wanting fto just run away and end every thing all because us carers dont get the help we need im now on antidepressants myself feeling like ive failed her as till the meds work for me im not much help to her but my GP is trying to get me more help but in not holding out much hope on this this is my life story so far ..... good luck to you all that are just coming in to caring its not a easy ride

NOT FEELING GOOD RIGHT NOW

no having a great time right now i care for the wife she has bipolar2 PTSD personality disorder epilepsy and arthritis i have done for 6 years part time but for the last 2 years i have been looking after her full time i gave up a job of 17 years to do this. Im not a shamed of doing this job im doing i just want to be back in what i was doing i have lost so many friends doing this dont see people much no one comes round the house to see us it such a lonely life and its getting to me i get 5 hrs a week off caring slit in to 3hrs and 2 hrs i so wish i could get out more even for a day just to go fishing or some thing for me

WIFE AND THE PA

Well its been a month now and the wife has a been having a PA coming in to help her so i can have time off each week she gets 5 hours a week 3 on a Thursday evening so i can go out with a few friends at the amateur radio club and then 2 hours in the day time in the week.
well she as been struggling to cope with this our friend Fred keeps coming round to visit her and she is finding it hard to deal with the PA is ok with this problem and understands this is part of thing that happen with the wife. It is just the wife she keeps getting restless and angry and dont know how or what to do to stop it and wants me there. I am feeling guilty for leaving her and its starting to play on my mind as i dont want her to be like this every time but i do need to have a life as well catch 22 will speek with the doctors next week when we go as i should not be feeling like this when i get time off.

we care dont you

http://www.carersuk.org/news-and-campaigns/campaigns/we-care-don-t-you

THIS IS A SECTION FROM AN OTHER BLOG ON MINDFULNESS

http://sadiegee.co.uk/in-pursuit-of-mindfulness/

WHAT IS MINDFULNESS?

Mindfulness, defined as the “quality or state of being conscious or aware of something”, is a phenomenon I have come across recently and decided to look into a bit more. I’ve been reading about and practicing mindfulness meditation, a practice that allows you to train your mind to tune into your everyday awareness and pay attention to the world and how we experience it. I recently listened to the audio book by Danny Penman called ‘Mindfulness’, in a bid to learn more about how to apply the practice to my every day life. This is where the concept of having only 6 years left to live arose..

In Chapter 5 of the audiobook, Danny Penman explained it like this.

“Let’s say you’re 30 years old. We assume that the average life expectancy is 80, so you’ve got 50 years left. Plenty of time? But perhaps you’re only truly aware of every moment for 2 out of 16 waking hours a day…then your life expectancy is only another 6 years and 3 months. You’ll probably spend more time in meetings with your boss!

If a friend had told us that they only had this time left, we would be filled with grief and try to comfort them, yet without realising it we may be daydreaming along such a path ourselves. If we could double the number of hours we were truly alive and enjoying ourselves each day then in effect, we would be doubling our life expectancy. People spend hundreds of thousands of pounds on vitamins and unproven drugs to gain an extra few years of life, but we can achieve the same effect by learning to live mindfully. Simply waking up to our lives.”

I would suggest you re-read the above, it took me a few attempts to fully digest what it meant, and also the effect it could have on my life if I make a change and live mindfully.

13 Things to Remember If You Love A Person With Anxiety

Anxiety is tough, isn’t it? Not just for the people that have it, but for you – the people that stick with them – while they’re going through it. It’s emotionally taxing on both ends, it’s physically demanding at times, and of course mentally demanding most of the time.

Plans have to be changed to accommodate the anxiety. Situations have to be avoided at times. Planning has to be just that bit more thorough. Emotional needs can change daily. It’s a lot to work through, and it can be hard to get in their head to understand on top of that.

It’s understandably confusing at times, so consider this your cheat sheet. 13 things for you to remember when loving someone with anxiety.

1. They are more than just their anxiety

No one likes to be defined by one attribute of themselves. If you truly want to be supportive of someone with anxiety, remind them that you appreciate the individual behind the anxiety. Recognise that they are more than just their anxiety.

It sounds like it would be common sense to do so, we don’t go around seeing people by one solitary attribute in most cases, but people have a tendency to become blind-sighted by mental health issues. They are still a human being with all the complexities that everyone else has. Please, remember that.

2. They can get tired easily

Anxiety is exhausting. It seems like the only people that understand how tiring it really can be is people with anxiety themselves. Anxiety causes people to live in hyper-tense states. They are always on alert, their mind is very rarely settled, and their body is always ready to fight or flight. With the hypertension comes fatigue. Situations that people without anxiety can just breeze through are more tiring for those with anxiety.

Ever had a stressful work week, where every day you woke up thinking “wow, I really hope I get a break soon”? That’s an anxious person’s every day, and it’s tiring. Remember that next time you’re pushing someone with anxiety to be more ‘productive.’

3. They can get overwhelmed easily

Tying into the previously noted hyper-tense state, they’re also overwhelmed easily because of it. They’re aware of everything going on around them. Every noise, every action, every smell, every light, every person, every object. For someone existing in such a hyper-alert state a situation that doesn’t seem that overwhelming (e.g. the thought of more than a handful of people talking in a room) can cause their head to spin. You can read more about that here.

When trying to encourage someone with anxiety to go somewhere, just keep in mind that the stimuli you enjoy can just as easily be overwhelming for them. Try not to lock them into the situation. Ensure they know they can leave and are capable of doing so at any point.

4. They are well aware their anxiety is often irrational

Being aware of the irrationality does not stop the thoughts from racing. It does not stop the thinking of hundreds of different worst-case scenarios. If it was as easy as saying “okay, that’s irrational – no point worrying about it,” the majority of those living with anxiety would not have problems with it anymore.

One of the worst things about anxiety is how aware of the irrationality they can be. Pointing out that it’s irrational doesn’t help – they already know this. What they need is compassion, understanding, and support – very rarely do they need advice on how irrational and pointless their anxiety it (because that’s not even advice.) You can learn more about thathere.

5. They can communicate how they feel (you just have to actually listen)

Having anxiety does not mean that they are incapable of expressing or communicating. (Unless they’re panicking, in which case they likely can’t.Don’t try to get them to either!) They still like to talk and they still like to speak for themselves. They will tell you how they feel.

Often when people think someone with anxiety, or really any problem whatsoever, can’t or won’t communicate – it’s because they’re choosing not to, and it’s usually because the other party has been entirely dismissive the last time they opened up. So next time when you think they’re incapable of speaking for themselves, bite your tongue and give them the opportunity to actually speak. Then take the time to listen.

6. They don’t need someone constantly asking “are you okay?” while they’re panicking

When you see someone panicking and you know they have anxiety, do you really need to ask “are you okay?”

You already know the answer. Their heart is pounding a million miles an hour, their hands are clamming up, their chest is tightening, their limbs are vibrating from all the adrenalin and their mind has just sunken into the limbic system’s ‘fight or flight’ response. Honestly? Part of them probably thinks they’re dying. So instead of asking “are you okay?” try something a little more helpful and constructive. Good examples would be:

• “Remember your breathing”
• “Remember <insert whatever technique that has helped them before>”
• “Would you like help me to help you to somewhere quieter/safer/calmer?”
• “I’m here if you need me.” (At this point, you should leave them alone unless they ask)
• “You’re panicking, it won’t last. You’ve got past this before, you’ll get past it again”

But the key to all of this: If they ask you to leave them alone – leave them alone! They are experienced in handling their anxiety; let them get through it however they see fit.

7. They appreciate you sticking by them

Anxiety is rough on everyone involved, which means you too. They understand that, they understand their irrationality; they understand you’ve not done some things you would’ve liked to because they couldn’t. They’re not oblivious to what it takes to support them.

If there’s one thing in common that you’ll find across the board for everyone with anxiety, it’s that they over think – they over think a lot. Part of this over thinking always comes back to the people that have supported them, always. Your support doesn’t go unmissed – no matter how subtle you may think it’s been.

8. They can find it hard to let it go

Part of anxiety is the constant over thinking, but to really understand this we need to understand where the over thinking stems from. When anyone is faced with a traumatic incident in their life, which most people with anxiety have had more than their fair share of, the memory (if not properly dealt with) can end up stored in part of the limbic system of the brain that the mind uses to determine if we are at ‘risk.’ You can find out more about that here.

The memory is stored in a completely different manner and region of the brain in comparison to an everyday memory that gets filed away. This causes the brain to react differently to the memory. The brain is actively seeking to make links between the traumatic memory and the present situation it’s in (partly the cause of the hyper-tense state.)

When the brain is caught in this cycle, letting go of things can be very difficult. When the brain is trained to remain in this cycle through prolonged anxiety, letting go of pretty much anything can be a tough task. People with anxiety cannot always just ‘let it go,’ their brain won’t let them, so please don’t give them a hard time about it.

9. They can find change difficult (even if it’s expected)

Everyone has a comfort zone, anxiety or not. Pushing that comfort zone can be difficult for even the most well-adjusted person, so for people with anxiety it can be even more challenging. This is not to be confused with the sentiment that those with anxiety dislike change or pushing their comfort zones, because they will likely thrive once they’re actually in the process of doing so. They can just find it a lot more difficult to bring themselves to do so.

The one relief people with anxiety tend to get from their anxiety is when they’re allowed to be in their place of comfort with nothing major changing around them. When they’re faced with a big change and uprooting, it can take them a lot longer to settle back down and establish that zone again. Just remember to have a little more patience and understanding for those with anxiety. They’re trying, they really are.

10. They aren’t (always) intentionally ignoring you

Part of managing anxiety is controlling the inner monologue that comes with it. Sometimes this can be a very attention-consuming act. The strangest things can set off obscure thought patterns for those with anxiety. If they suddenly drift out of the conversation, there’s a good chance they’re over thinking something that’s just been said or they’re trying to calm their thoughts down. Both take immense concentration.

They’re not ignoring you; or not intentionally at least. They’re just trying not to have a mental breakdown right there in front of you. You don’t need to ask “are you okay?” and you especially don’t need to quiz them on what you just said. If it’s important, try gently bringing it back up when they seem more attentive.

Their mind can be a war zone at times. They will drop out of conversations unexpectedly and they will feel bad for doing so if they realise it. Reassure them that you understand and ensure they’ve fully digested any important news you may have discussed, especially if it involves them handling some responsibility (maybe make a note of it too!)

11. They aren’t always present

As mentioned in the above point, they’re not always present in a conversation, but it’s not just conversation that can trigger this reaction. Everyday events can cause everyone to get lost in contemplation at some point or another, but for those with anxiety almost everything can serve as a contemplative trigger. They will recede into the depths of their mind quite regularly and you’ll likely notice the vacancy on their face. Contrary to what romantic movies suggest, it’s not always cute to come up and spook them while they’re lost in thought (though sometimes it definitely can be!)

Gently nudge them back to reality regularly. Remind them where they are, what they’re doing (not literally, they’re anxious – they don’t have short term memory loss), and to appreciate it. They’ll greatly appreciate you doing so. You can learn more about mindfulness and how it relates to anxiety here.

12. They don’t always see it as a limitation (nor should you!)

It’s okay to be an anxious person. Sure, it can be a struggle at times, but it’s not always a limitation. Anxiety has molded part of the person in question and ultimately has the potential of bettering them as a person. It can cause them to see the world in a very different way and often this can be for the best. The symptoms can suck, the over thinking can suck, the missing out on certain events can suck, everything in life has the potential to suck. Just because it can doesn’t mean that those with anxiety choose to see it that way; at least, not all the time.

Remember that part of their personality is the anxiety. Remember that part of them, the compilation of life experiences that they are made of, is the anxiety. It can have some benefits too, and many people with anxiety (when getting ‘better’) choose to see them. You should too.

13. They are awesome!

Just like everybody else on Earth, they are awesome! (That’s why you love them, right?) It’s pretty easy to get focused on the doom and gloom of any issue, especially ones involving mental health, but part of overcoming them is remembering the awesomeness that came before and will come after the issue.

Choose to see the benefits. Choose to see the upside of the situation. Choose to see the awesomeness. If they can, so can you.

Cheat sheet over, done, finished. Keep these in mind and your whole experience may be a lot easier – then again, it may not be either. We’re humans and we’re unique. What works for one may not work for the other, but there is one thing that always works: loving compassion. If you take anything away from this article, just let it be that everyone – especially those struggling – deserves loving compassion, so spread it around.

Jointly -- care together from anywhere